In business, we鈥檙e taught that failure is a good thing 鈥� that our mistakes are an opportunity to grow and learn.
If the same is true of parenting, by the time the hundredth epic-fail that day has rolled around, we鈥檙e surely all experts鈥� right? Or, at very least, a work in progress.
So why do we beat ourselves up when we 鈥渇ail?鈥澛�
Whether it鈥檚 a discipline slip-up; guilt over standing your ground (or letting it slide); serving breakfast for dinner because your planned meal didn鈥檛 happen; or forgetting their lunch box favourite, when we make a mistake our inner voice can be quick to scold.
Stacey Tucker, of Squamish-based The Bodhi Tree and Stacey and mom of two, believes that much of this stems from our quest to be perfect parents.
鈥淲e want to be great parents and raise great humans but we need to stop trying to be perfect,鈥� she said.
鈥淚t comes from a huge place in our hearts and a fear of not wanting to mess them up鈥� but when we鈥檙e aiming for perfection and then beating ourselves up when we鈥檙e not, we are inadvertently showing them that mess-ups are a really big deal and that it鈥檚 not OK to be imperfect.鈥�
This perfection pressure cooker is often fuelled, she explained, by the enormous amount of parenting advice online.
鈥淥nce we would probably have asked our mom or our grandma or the lady next door... now we can compare ourselves to the entire planet.鈥�
Instead of spending time and energy unnecessarily comparing ourselves with others, Tucker suggests we direct it towards doing the best we can in a way that aligns with who we are and what our children really need.
Having abandoned the path of perfection, it鈥檚 time to reframe how we look at our moments of failure.
If you鈥檙e in a situation where behaviour (yours or the kids!) is beginning to spiral, you can often rescue the moment by pausing for a mind shift, she explained.
鈥淭he pause is an opportunity to think, 鈥榃here do we go from here? What would my best self do?鈥� If it helps, you can ask yourself, 鈥榃hat would creative, funny or peaceful mommy do right now?鈥� If we pause, take a couple of breaths and make a new choice, we help create something that is more in line that we want,鈥� she said.
Catching yourself and granting permission to pause isn鈥檛 easy, but it can really help turn things around, she explained.
There will still be slip-ups, she said, but when they happen don鈥檛 be afraid to acknowledge with your children that you鈥檙e only human and experience emotions too, she explained.
Choose a quiet moment (it can even be the next day) and let them know that you weren鈥檛 your best self. They don鈥檛 need a full explanation 鈥� to know that you鈥檙e only human is enough.
鈥淏y opening up in this way, you鈥檙e also creating space for them to say what鈥檚 on their mind and deepening the connection you share,鈥� she said.
鈥淭he sharing of times when we鈥檙e not feeling like a rockstar parent is important 鈥� they need to see us feeling every emotion and just being human.鈥�
It鈥檚 also important to share these feelings with a spouse, friend or family member too.
鈥淢ake sure the person you choose knows that this isn鈥檛 you at your best self. Someone who can acknowledge that it was tough but that this isn鈥檛 who you really are and, most importantly, who can then make you laugh.鈥�
It鈥檚 not about asking someone to fix it, she explained. It鈥檚 about sharing it, putting it in the past and letting go.
Finally, Tucker explained, self care is also really important as we all need something outside of being a parent.
鈥淗ow we do that is different for everyone, but we must make sure our bucket gets filled.
When you鈥檙e always comparing and trying to be perfect there鈥檚 no room for anything else.鈥�
